Ape DNA and Alien DNA
Humor By Ron Coleman
Isn't it marvelous what humans have accomplished? We've put man on the moon, we've put remote-
controlled machinery on Mars, we've created telescopes that give us a look at planets even beyond
our own solar system, we've created computers which can instantly communicate with any part of
the world, and through the magic of DNA we can solve old crimes and uncover details about the
lives of our ancestors. On the other hand you constantly hear stories about a bank robber
handing a teller a holdup note, the teller telling him he forgot to sign it, the robber signing
it and then fifteen minutes later he is wondering why the police are at his door arresting him.
Some men can be so brilliant, and some men can be so stupid. Why is this? I have a theory.
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For some time now there has been a big debate over whether modern man is the result of evolution
from the apes, or whether he was created by a being with superior intellect to our own. I
suggest that maybe both are true.
It is my contention that way back in time space aliens traveled from a distant galaxy and visited
the Earth. You can imagine after a very long journey, maybe years in duration, they may have
been a little horny when they arrived. They saw the apes and thought, "Why not?"
We know from science that we inherit different genes from our mother and from our father and that
each of us has a slightly different genetic makeup. Some inherit more genes from one parent and
some inherit more from the other. Compound these differences over several generations and you
come up with numerous genetic combinations.
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My guess is that our more brilliant men have a larger percentage of alien genes in their makeup,
whereas the DNA of the dumb ones consists more of ape genes. A person who is 60 percent ape and
40 percent alien is not as bright as a person who is 60 percent alien and 40 percent ape, for
example.
So I have devised this little quiz to help you determine what percentage of your DNA is ape, and
what percentage is alien. I can't guarantee the results are accurate because I'm not sure how
much of my own DNA is ape. But for the fun of it, answer the questions honestly and rate
yourself according to the directions below.
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Question 1: Do you ever get an uncontrollable urge to climb a tree?
- A. Yes, on days when my kids are out of control.
- B. Yes, if there is a big shiny apple on a high branch.
- C. Yes, if I'm being chased by a tiger.
- D. No, I'd rather take a nap at the base of the tree.
Question 2: Did you vote for George W. Bush?
- A. No, I voted for Al Gore and then for John Kerry.
- B. I didn't vote during those elections.
- C. I voted for George Bush in one election, but not the other.
- D. I voted for George Bush both times.
Question 3: What would you rather have for dinner?
- A. A big juicy steak and mashed potatoes.
- B. Fresh fruit and vegetables.
- C. A banana.
- D. Bugs
Question 4: Which of these people do you think would be considered sexiest by the opposite
sex?
- A. Albert Einstein
- B. Marilyn Monroe
- C. Don Knotts
- D. Cheetah
Question 5: What do you think is the best way for a man to impress a woman?
- A. Take her to a reading at a local book club.
- B. Take her to a classy night club for dinner.
- C. Buy her a beer and pretzels.
- D. Pick the bugs out of her hair.
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Rate yourself according to the following formula: For each time you answered with an "A"
give yourself 4 points. For each "B", 3 points, for each "C", 2 points and for each
"D", 1 point. Add up your total points.
If your total was 16 to 20 points, your DNA is around 90 percent alien and 10 percent ape.
If your total was 11 to 15 points your DNA is about 60 percent alien and 40 percent ape.
If your total was 6 to 10 points, your DNA is 25 percent alien and 75 percent ape.
If your total was 0 to 5 points, you are 90 percent ape.
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Websites by Ron Coleman:
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